Love & Fear.

I saw Leah last night.

I am so ridiculously in love right now. I cannot stop smiling. I feel like I can do anything when I am with her.

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear..." (1 John 4:18)

Yesterday I wrote about my constant need to know how things would work out, etc...

The only thing going through my mind right now is peace. I am not worried about anything. I just want to be with her. Everything will work out.

I love watching romantic comedies. I am all about the way "love" is typically presented in these types of movies. It's always about how everything goes wrong, but the couple is SO in love that they overcome all of the odds and end up together, ridiculously happy.

All love = no fear.

I finally have the love I have always wanted.

faith ----> marriage

Faith precedes the miracle...

How about this -- faith precedes the marriage.

I want to get married.

I really do.

And I think I'm almost at the point where I am ready to just say Heavenly Father this is a complete act of faith I need you to step in and make this possible.

I like to have direction. This may come as a surprise to some who have enjoyed the company of carefree Kyle -- but it's true. I love knowing how things work out.

This is not faith. Not even close.

If I were to get married right now I would have no idea where we would live, how we would make money, pretty much everything involving general survival.

But countless times I have been reminded by those who have gone before that if you wait to have all the answers you will miss out on the opportunities for growth and precious experiences that can be drawn upon for years to come.

I was reminded today of a couple who began their journey with $3 between them and school loans to be paid off. My mind trailed off and thought of my mission president who told us about how he and his wife had nothing when they were married. I look at them now and see tremendous success.

Why is our generation so hesitant to move forward without having first "figured" things out?

We are the by-product of a society that thrives on knowing! The Internet is filled with a vast array of knowledge for the taking. Everyone is seeking to learn more and gain more knowledge.

It makes sense that we would want to have things figured out before we move forward.

But knowing is not faith.

"...faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true." (Alma 32:21)

And when we are not called upon to exercise faith we do NOT grow.

How could we?

I love hearing the stories of couples who survived difficult times. I want to be that kind of couple. I want to be able to look back and see that my faith grew to face the challenge and that in the moment of necessity, Heavenly Father provided.

waiting.

"Nevertheless the Lord seeth fit to chasten his people; yea, he trieth their patience and their faith." (Mosiah 23:21)

Why would Heavenly Father try our patience and faith?

Every time my patience has been tried I have had two options :

Man up - find some extra faith somewhere and use it as an opportunity for growth

Mope - ignore the situation and just endure it

I've done both.

Well, actually I've done both and then every version possible in between the two.

The typical Sunday School answer is that we need to man up and find the faith necessary to use the "trying" situation as an opportunity for growth.

Sunday School answers are funny because I think they need further clarification.

I want to know 'how'.

HOW am I supposed to find the faith necessary to make a trying situation something positive -- while I am in the middle of the situation?

I feel like my life is one giant patience trying situation at the moment.

I'm waiting - waiting - waiting.

pillar of salt.

As I look at my future I see no light at the end of the tunnel. There are a lot of things up in the air and some days are filled with thoughts ranging from uncertainty and doubt to fear and insecurity. On those days the uncertainty surrounding my future makes it easy to look longingly on the past.

I miss the life I had during my undergraduate studies.

It was simple:

Friends

Breakdancing

Girls

Movies/TV Shows

School

Church

You're probably wondering how breakdancing beat out girls... That's a whole different topic.

My priorities were obviously a bit skewed. But I can only seem to remember the good times. That's usually how it works when you look back. The bad times turn into funny stories and the good times seem even better. I was not focused on what I should have been.

A change was necessary and it happened---I moved away.

But now I sometimes look back.

"But his wife looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of salt."

(Genesis 19:26)

I thought of this story as I thought of how I sometimes wish for my old life back.

Lot was told to get his family out of Sodom before the Lord destroyed it and he was commanded to, "look not behind thee." (Genesis 19:17)

His wife looked. She was crystallized--instantly.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland says that the problem was not that she just looked back at Sodom-- "in her heart she wanted to go back."

Crap. I don't know about you but sometimes I want to go back.

So how do you keep your eyes focused on the future--especially when the future is filled with question marks?

No, but seriously-- if you have an answer at this point in time it would be great if you would just comment right now and help me out.

The best thing I can come up with is this-- my moments of weakness where I look back longingly are sparked by the catalysts of doubt and fear. As far as I can tell the only way to overcome these two problems is to replace them with FAITH.

Elder Holland said that, "Faith is for the future. Faith builds on the past but never longs to stay there. Faith trusts that God has great things in store for each of us and that Christ truly is the 'high priest of good things to come.' " (Hebrews 9:11)

Ugh. Knowing what you need to do doesn't make it easier.

I'm confident the Lord isn't going to turn me into salt---but you know that might actually be better than the consequences I'll face if I don't learn to stop looking back.